i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
