I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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