Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
