My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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