i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
my poor anus
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
