and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
