2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
