Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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