She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
