She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
