After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
