Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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