it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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