somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
