Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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