even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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