my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
