I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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