Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
