just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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