Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
