New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
