we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
