Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
the liver wants what the liver wants
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
