I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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