Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
