Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
