Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Someone came in the potted fern
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
