Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
