Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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