but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
