life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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