If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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