The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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