My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
