What did we do last night that was yellow?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
