saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
