i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
