he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
