Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
