so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize