remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
