I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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