I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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