Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
