aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
