Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
