i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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