the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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