Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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