Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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