they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
