my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize