Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
