worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
