Moan for me like Helen Keller
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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