Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
