so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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