Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize