honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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