I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
