So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he laminated a picture of his dick.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
