Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
