I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
