dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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