I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
