I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize