I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
