I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
