i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
